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Adventures of the Polka-Dotted One

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Schrodinger Sex, or Why Mainstream Dating is Way Too Kinky for Me.
Dear world, I am a hardcore kinkster and 'vanilla' dating is way too kinky for me.

Content note: Explicit discussion of sexual assault, 'vanilla' culture, and rape. Also some incredibly heteronormative pronoun use in some paragraphs (because cultural critique).

I'm bent over a table amidst a group of strangers, with my skirt somewhere up around my shoulders and no underwear on, being spanked by someone I just met about half an hour ago, surrounded by people of all sorts of genders, colours and inclinations, who are having various sorts of sex in all sorts of combinations and different ways, and I suddenly realise... I feel totally comfortable, sexy and safe.

Why do I feel so good there? Because I've just spent the afternoon talking with most of the people in this room about consent culture, and I feel comfortable in the knowledge that, in this room at least, only 'yes' means 'yes'... and there are a whole bunch of people there to make sure it stays that way. The super-hot person I'm playing with established a few relevant boundaries verbally with me before we started. We talked about what I liked and didn't like, and a little about what they were into as well, we talked about what we were going to do and what we definitely weren't going to, and that's freed me up to enjoy the sensations of what we're doing right now without feeling like I'm 'obliged' to do anything else... although before we're done I ask for a few other things too, because I'm having such a great time.

On a date with an established partner I can push things even further. When I later relate some of my experiences to a 'vanilla' (or non-kinky) friend, he is horrified. "How can anyone consent to that?" he asks, but the important thing to me is that I absolutely did, consciously, knowingly and up-front.

Later, over tea and crumpets, my vanilla friend relates a few stories about his own dating experiences that have me choking on my refreshments.

"She said WHAT?" I gasp, horrified by what I just heard. "Was there a safe-word?"

"She told me not to ask her what she wanted," he repeated, "she said it was 'more romantic' just to take whatever I wanted." and worse... she had told him that, secretly, this was what ALL women wanted... to be 'forced', 'taken' or 'ravished' without any regard for their consent or desires of their own. Worse still, this was not the first date to have told my friend that same thing.

People, this is not okay.

I'm sitting there literally open-mouthed in horror as my friend tells me this. I don't know much about Louis CK's other comedy, but he pretty much nails this one right here in this clip: "Are you out of your fucking MIND?! You think I'm just gonna RAPE you, on the off-chance that you're into that shit?"

Sing it, uh... brother!

Vanilla ladies, if you're reading this (and I hope at least some of you are), I want you to know that what you're asking for is known to the kinky community as 'consensual non-consent' or 'rape play' and it's considered to be 'extreme' even by people who literally put needles in each other for fun.

Rape play is something I might possibly, if I was feeling brave, consider doing with an established partner, someone I'd played with for months if not years, and whose references I'd checked out thoroughly, and if I was asking someone to ignore me saying 'no' or 'stop', either verbally or non-verbally, there is absolutely no way I am doing that without explicit boundaries and limits that we'd talked about in advance and an established 'safeword'. Why? Because there are just SO MANY ways that can go wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends on the kink scene who do go and meet guys and do rape play scenes without safewords with folks they just met online. I don't judge them. They are totally entitled to choose their own safety boundaries. The difference between those friends and the average vanilla lady though, is that they know that without safewords the 'no' that they have already agreed doesn't mean 'no' won't stop things happening. They know they're doing something that's edgy, dangerous and which comes with the risk of them getting assaulted in ways they weren't looking for, raped for real or even killed.

Folks like me - freaky-deaky folks who like to negotiate our scary sex up front look on at these people in awe and say 'Woah, that's hardcore'... and yet somehow this is a norm in vanilla dating? For people who date in the mainstream it is apparently relatively normal to go back to some guy's house after you've just met him or had maybe a couple of dates and say 'do whatever you want to me, just don't ask first.'*

Woah... Yeah... that's hardcore.

Even if you're expecting your 'no' to mean No. Even if you're expecting a guy to just 'read you' and 'do his own thing' right up to the point where you say 'no', we're already running into problems: if you've told someone not to ask for your consent, if you've told them not to communicate about what they want to do with you, then by the time they've done something you don't like THE BOUNDARY IS ALREADY CROSSED. The assault has already happened. Maybe what you secretly wanted was for this guy to ravish you ruthlessly but gently like a hero in some romantic novel and instead he's taken you literally about doing 'anything he wants' has thrown you over the edge of the kitchen sink and is roughly wedging his cock into your unconsenting little backside using dish soap as lube whilst throwing a bucket of beans over your head and planning which limb he's going to cut off next... but by the time you realise it's a no and tell him so, he's ALREADY HURTING YOU. If you've told him to ignore your 'no'... what then?

At best, what you're asking for is 'Schrodinger Sex'. Just like we don't know whether Schrodinger's hypothetical cat is alive or dead until we open the box and look, with Schrodinger Sex we don't know whether what we're getting is a nice time or a jail sentence until after the date is over. Consent is either applied retrospectively... or it isn't. The poor guy you're dating doesn't know if you're going to say 'thank you' after your date, or whether you're going to call the police on him because he unwittingly did something you didn't like. As someone who occasionally takes that 'guy' role in kinky dating I can tell you - that sucks.
...As a BDSM 'top' I can't even do it. I cannot even bring myself to touch someone who tells me to just 'do whatever I want' without establishing limits or a safeword because I am too concerned it is going to end with my accidentally hitting some button that it just hadn't occurred to them to mention that they couldn't stand, maybe because they hadn't even imagined it was a thing, and ending up with someone I liked enough to go to bed with having a terrible time. Right there, as a top, that's where I use my own safeword and get the hell out of that scene, conscious that the worst case scenario is not just an upset partner but an assault charge. After all, there really aren't that many folks who are into wasabi nasal fisting!

The other trouble with Schrodinger Sex is that, even if it goes well, it is almost without exception bad sex. Assuming that nobody's boundaries get crossed, the sex you'll be getting will be incredibly dull and unimaginative - because there really is no way to get off the beaten track and do anything more interesting than basic run of the mill rom-com sex without ever talking about what actually turns you on.
Sure, you might only be interested in relatively 'normal' sex. You might not ever want to have the sort of sex that horrifies my friends, but maybe you'd really enjoy playing with a vibrator or two, or having syrup drizzled on some random body part and licked off, or maybe there is some special trick that someone can do with your body that - you never figured out why - just really works for you and you alone. That's never going to happen if neither of you can talk to your partner about it. That sort of awesome, super-orgasmic sex doesn't happen in real life without two-way communication. It requires not just 'not saying no' but actively communicating and actively saying 'yes' and 'please' to things.

Worst of all, if you've ever made the claim that 'being forced is something ALL women secretly want': This is how you train guys to rape women like me. Women who have never played 'hard to get' in their lives, and for whom 'no' really does mean No. Please, for the love of whatever makes you happy, PLEASE stop telling people that. It might be true for you, but it is NOT true for every woman and it is not true for me.

In the mean time, I think I'm going to stick with my nice, safe orgies.

*NB. The bit I am questioning here is the 'don't ask'. I am absolutely not victim-blaming or judging any woman who ever visited a guy in his home because she felt safe and expected him to respect her boundaries, only questioning how it's possible to respect boundaries if you can't ask about them.

NB2. (For the kinksters) I'm not saying that abuse doesn't happen in kink or fetish communities either. It most definitely does, but the idea of dating folks who not only aren't practiced in active negotiation around sexual practices but who explicitly don't believe in it... that's a hard limit for me!

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My impression (both from what you say, and also from Relevant Personal Experience as the person being asked to do such things) is that the fear of "asking for what you want" (or even "asking for what you'd like to try a little bit to find out if you like it") is sufficiently strong for some (many?) people that the chance of something bad happening seems... less scary (at least in advance). That's... all kinds of problematic.

Possibly with a side of "I can't figure out/describe what it is that I want", and any actual research/introspection is scary too, so the result is "exploration of interests" becomes "do what you want, I'll let you know later if I like(d) it" combined with a hope that maybe something will happen that was "hey, awesome, I'm glad that happened" before something bad happens. And maybe a side of "lack of imagination" (certainly in at least a few of the times I've literally being told "rape me" or words to the effect of "do anything" I strongly suspected lack of imagination).

As someone who is really not a fan of Schrodinger Sex, I'm definitely with you on treating "do whatever you want" or "I have no boundaries" as a major warning sign. If I continue with the activity -- and it's by no means sure that I will -- then it's going to be constrained within the most socially acceptable, "everyone would agree there was consent for that" range of things. With a very watchful eye for any sign at all of anything less than full and enthusiastic consent.

But being that hyperaware of trying to guess someone's desires/boundaries from moment to moment when they can't/won't talk about them, to give you any idea where they might be, is hard work, and not much fun.


PS: I consider "I have no boundaries" to always be "I haven't even thought about boundaries". Even if someone genuinely believes they have no (relevant) boundaries of their own, "whatever you feel safe doing" is a pretty good standard boundary to start with. Just saying.

Interesting post and a great read, thanks for sharing you thoughts. I wonder whether a lot of the issues on the 'vanilla' side is that sex, and talking up front about it with people you know (let alone those you've just met) is still something of a taboo?

Oh absolutely, I think that's very much a source of a lot of this. It just terrifies me that the result of people being shy where it comes to just talking about a topic is that it opens the door to so many people getting hurt.

Absolutely. The biggest problems in my life are related to the fact that talking about emotions, desires and fears are seriously taboo.

& the pervasiveness of rape culture makes a whole lot more sense now.

I'm not sure I've ever dated a woman who believed that, & I think I will actively avoid doing so.

I recently overheard a woman advising another woman to "play hard to get", & a nearby sorority just got in trouble for having a chant which promoted rape culture.

This article needs to be published in Cosmo - or some other vanilla "ladies' magazine" because here, I suspect, you are preaching to people who are just nodding their heads saying, "Yes, yes, exactly this."

Yikes! This piece is problematic. You quite literally said that you are okay with your kinkster friends doing rapeplay, but not with people who call themselves vanilla doing it. That is a bit condescending.

You do have a good point that saying, "every woman secretly wants this," is inappropriate and endangering for safety.

Is it condescending to say 'I think what you're doing is a lot more risky than you realise, and here is why I wouldn't do it'?

I'm comfortable with my kinky friends taking considered risks. I'm far less comfortable with people leaping into situations blind without any consideration of the problems that might arise. I don't think suggesting to people that this might, in fact, be problematic behaviour is actually condescending.

I have also been accused of being 'condescending' for refusing to play with people who claim to have 'no limits', because I think this is a foolish position. EVERYONE has limits, they just may not have thought about them yet. However as a top I'm entitled to say 'no' at any time I want.

People can label themselves anything they like, but if they're doing something I personally think is unsafe - whether they're kinky or vanilla or anything else - I'm going to check that they understand those risks before they go leaping in.

Either way, I'm glad we agree about it being inappropriate to endanger other women by claiming that every one wants the same thing!

What do you see as being unconsidered, on principle, in the Vanilla paradigm? Most know they have a choice. If adults choose to participate in that paradigm it is on them to accept the risk. My issue is not the core statement, but that you seem to assume a class of adults is inherently less capable of understanding risk.

Honestly I think human beings in general are terrible at understanding risk. It's why people freak out about flying in aeroplanes but happily get into cars without caring about the fact that travelling by road is far more dangerous per passenger mile. It's why we talk to children about stranger danger, but not about what to do if they're being abused by a family member (which is sadly statistically far more likely).

At the same time, I'm not going to tell people how they should or shouldn't make choice about what they do with their own bodies. I'm just going to carry on explaining why *I* won't go there.

Very interesting post. As a very much "vanilla" female, I think it comes down to vanilla people assuming vanilla things will happen during sex. Clearly, that's naive, though I admit, in my 20's it would have never occurred to me that saying to a partner "I want you to be in charge and do with me what you want" could ever mean anything more than what you call boring vanilla sex. And when I wanted to have my arms held down, or my body pinned against the wall, my partner would clearly know when I no longer moaned in pleasure and told him to stop. In fact, I never had to say stop, because it was pretty obvious when I was no longer enjoying myself and we'd move into a more comfortable position. The thing with vanilla sex (in my personal, and fairly limited experience) is that any sign of distress or discomfort is a sign to stop. I would say "rape play" in vanilla sex is not at all what "rape play" in kink might look like. "The other trouble with Schrodinger Sex is that, even if it goes well, it is almost without exception bad sex. Assuming that nobody's boundaries get crossed, the sex you'll be getting will be incredibly dull and unimaginative - because there really is no way to get off the beaten track and do anything more interesting than basic run of the mill rom-com sex without ever talking about what actually turns you on." Your statement suggests to me that you and I have very different ideas on sex. I think it's wonderful that you found something that works for you, but it's silly and judgemental for you to say that sex will be incredibly dull and unimaginative unless you discuss everything in detail before hand. Taking away the unexpected would completely ruin the experience for me. I do agree with you, however, that it is dangerous for women to say that ALL women secretly want to be dominated. MANY do, but likely in a very VERY vanilla way.

I am utterly bemused every time I see someone equate the idea of establishing themes and boundaries before hopping into bed with someone with 'taking away the unexpected'. It's like saying that agreeing to play in one particular key would ruin improvisational jazz.

Does playing within an agreed set of parameters really make everything else that follows trite and boring, or does it actually lead to a significantly better chance of making something resembling music together rather than complete and utter discord? After all, to extend the musical metaphor a little further, very few of us have perfect pitch.

I'm an artist, not a lawyer. I've never once in my life planned out a scene from start to finish before it happened, and yet my partners - kinky and otherwise - have always somehow managed to have an entertaining time, despite knowing that I, and they, have limits.

I am deadly serious, though, about the suggestion that vanilla sex without discussing boundaries has to be dull *in order to carry no risk of infringing boundaries* (although I could perhaps have phrased it a little better). What counts as 'vanilla' and what counts as 'kinky' is all incredibly fuzzy and undefined concept, and very much in the eye of the beholder. I have met folks who thought doggy style was 'kinky' and oral sex downright perverse. Perhaps this is a touch unusual, but how do we know without asking?
On the flip side, I have met guys outside of the kink scene who thought anal sex without lube was a perfectly ordinary 'vanilla' thing to do, and despite being quite happy with many forms of hardcore kink that's a flat hard limit for me. Only way to know for sure? Well, I'll leave that one as an exercise for the reader.

Edited at 2016-07-10 05:21 pm (UTC)

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